June 2011
13 tags
When you get fed up that you're the only one in...
Don’t want to contribute? Oh look; now we all fail.
May 2011
12 tags
The awkward moment when you type "ho" instead of...
Whoopsie…
12 tags
What I'd like to do when I'm in a restaurant and...
10 tags
When you realize the joke was aimed at you...
14 tags
More Mommy Wisdom!
Well, it’s Memorial Day and you know what that means. It’s time for me to ask my yet-to-be-tested-but-I’m-almost-certain-she’s-mildly-retarded mother some questions about American culture that she won’t provide even remotely correct answers to! Yes, it’s time to showcase what those 3rd grade intellectual capabilities have to offer!
I marched my way into the living room with the usual bitch-smirk...
9 tags
That awkward moment when you start dancing without...
13 tags
When you haven't seen someone for a long time and...
Anonymous asked: your blog is fucking amazing.
10 tags
The embarrassing moment when you get that random...
…and wind up looking like a total retard.
12 tags
When you get a painful sunburn and someone gets...
11 tags
That moment when you realize you've comprehended...
13 tags
When you tell a joke and no one laughs...
10 tags
When you overhear your name mentioned in a...
The fuck did you say, bitch?
14 tags
Check Please!
So I went to Applebees for lunch today and had the pleasure of being assigned the most miserably retarded server in the history of the fine art of waitressing.
Her eyes were bloodshot like she just woke up from a week-long cocaine induced coma, and her voice sounded like she had temporarily taken over the role of lead vocalist at a recent Metallica concert.
To make matters worse, she had a...
mlluu92 asked: I love your Tumblr :)
11 tags
That terrifying moment when you see that someone...
8 tags
When you see a teacher outside of school and they...
10 tags
The initial mindset to eat healthy today: “Psh. Piece of cake. No big deal.”
….
10 minutes later; phone rings.
Grandma: “Come on over, we just ordered a stuffed-crust pizza for lunch.”
Me: “On my way!”
12 tags
Dear older women: If you're planning on going out...
15 tags
When I walk into a spider web...
I’m fucking trapped!!
12 tags
The super-sarcastic greetings between two people...
“HEYYYY!!!” ”HEYYYY!!!”
Definitely me.
13 tags
Take the stairs, bitch
Let me start by saying that elevators are extremely annoying to begin with. From the dumb music to the awkwardness of standing 2 centimeters away from a person while simultaneously trying to pretend that they don’t exist.
However, what’s even more annoying are the people that use the elevator to go up ONE floor. Listen up, shitstains: unless you’re paralyzed, legless, or too...
11 tags
When someone brutally insults you and you don't...
12 tags
Dear most if not all the people on Facebook to...
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Well, it's a humid day and I have curly/wavy hair....
Well fuck.
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When someone starts kissing you and you suddenly...
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The mini heart attack you have in class on Monday...
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The heartbreaking moment when your favorite couple on your favorite TV show breaks up:
But no one understands so they look at you at you like:
“Something definitely went wrong in the womb.”
17 tags
Plastic Surgery: Just Stop
Society’s obsession with looking perfect is one that is has been steadily worsening for quite some time. Not only is this detrimental to one’s mental health, it’s also proving to be detrimental to one’s ability to look like a fucking human, in the case of many celebrities.
Instead of accepting themselves, they get their lips plumped up to look like they were kneed in the...
11 tags
When you're in the middle of doing nerve-racking...
11 tags
I just went through a McDonald's drive-thru and...
Why? Because I’m an idiot. And because I needed it for my Snapple.
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When that annoying idiot won't stop talking to you...
HELP.
11 tags
I want to slap Harold Camping. In the face. With a...
12 tags
When someone writes "your" when they should have...
11 tags
What I'd like to do on the stairs when people in...
8 tags
Followers! You're Awesome!
In honor of my surpassing 200 800 followers, I just want to extend a big thank you to each and every one of you (with the exception of the few unwanted faceless spammers) for giving a fuck about the ridiculous nonsense I post. I’ve only been on here for about 3 and a half 6 weeks and I thought I would hate it, but you guys have made it awesome. =D
12 tags
Overheard Today: Fellatio Pregnancy?
As I was happily trotting along on my way to the store, I overheard these two young girls, both of whom looked a bit on the dumb and skanky side, talking very loudly about their slutty escapades last weekend.
So I, being the nosy prick with no life that I am, managed to maintain a walking speed that put me just close enough to hear what they were saying, but far enough away to keep them from...
13 tags
When someone finishes a long story and you realize...
10 tags
When your crush holds the door open for you...
He/she loves me!!!!
13 tags
The pity clap when your classmate bombs a...
10 tags
"Hey, kids! Horses are cool!!"
Whoopsie.
panjessual asked: I can't understand why everybody complains about your bitchness. I really do love it.
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To the girls who have 34270957 pictures of...
Anonymous asked: Why are you such a bitch?
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When a friend reminds you of a tool you dated...
14 tags
Snuggies: Why? Just Why?
So I came home earlier to find my mother all cozied up on the couch with a FUCKING SNUGGIE on. How ridiculous are they? Snuggies are, hands down, the most useless invention since inflatable dartboards.
Do you know how you can make your very own Snuggie at home? Go in your closet, pick out your favorite bathrobe, and put the fucker on backwards. Voilà! You have a Snuggie! So anyone who runs out...
14 tags
What I'd like to do to the assholes on the bus who...
7 tags
Anonymous asked: Do you like how it feels when you jiggle other guys' balls?
11 tags
To the girls who constantly insist on wearing...
16 tags
