If You Have Nothing Nice to Say...Well, Follow Me

“The fuck you think I am, a pillow?”

Right, honey bunch? :D

DON’T. TOUCH. MY. SHIT.

Youtube is a wonderful thing. It really is. I get to watch my favorite old shows, my favorite music videos, my favorite comedians, etc.; but Youtube’s increasingly infuriating commercial interruptions are really beginning to piss in my Fruity Pebbles.

As recent as a year and a half ago, we were able to watch everything on youtube completely commercial free. THAT’S THE MAIN REASON I FUCKING LOVED IT SO MUCH! But then Vevo and all the other incredibly irritating Youtube product placement programs barged like a pedophile at a “Wiggles” concert and ruined all the fucking fun.

They’re (Youtube) also quite distasteful when it comes to their choice of ads. Just the other day I was watching a rather informative mini-documentary about Americans’ junk food addiction, and guess what pops up? A 30-second ad for Snickers. THE CHOCOLATE JUNK FOOD KING. Really, Youtube? Really? It couldn’t have been an ad promoting celery and fucking bean sprouts? Not that such an ad would have persuaded me to eat any of that garbage (healthy food), but still, a little consistency would be nice.

And another thing, Youtube: Do you really think that interrupting our videos with these useless ads is going to persuade us to buy the products being advertised? Don’t think so, douchewads! As a matter of fact, it often DISSUADES me from buying the advertised product in the future. And in certain cases, if I’m interrupted during one of my favorite shows/videos, I have thoughts of showing up at the advertised product(s)’ local warehouse to piss on a few security guards at the entrance. I’m well aware that the security guards are not at all to blame, but still, they’re guilty by association, and pissing on them seems like it would feel right in the moment.

Simply put, I have one humble message for the folks behind the scenes at Youtube: STOP BEING MONEY-GRUBBING, ATTENTION WHORING BUZZKILLS.

Watching you, bitch.

Let me start by saying that elevators are extremely annoying to begin with. From the dumb music to the awkwardness of standing 2 centimeters away from a person while simultaneously trying to pretend that they don’t exist. 

However, what’s even more annoying are the people that use the elevator to go up ONE floor. Listen up, shitstains: unless you’re paralyzed, legless, or too obese to lift your legs more than a few millimeters off the ground, there is NO excuse for you not to take the stairs up one fucking floor. 

Think about it. Does it really make sense to waste 2 or 3 minutes waiting for the elevator like an asshole when you could just march your lazy ass up a few steps in less than 30 seconds? Not only are these idiots wasting time, they’re also missing out on some quick and painless exercise.

I take the stairs whenever possible. It serves as a fantastic cardio workout and helps me maintain my embarrassingly svelte little girl body. 

So try your best not to be one of these lazy, shameful, irritating slugs. I know physical effort is extremely unpleasant, but if you have one measly floor to go up, suck it up and take the fucking stairs.

I hate when I’m standing in line at a McDonalds (or a place with comparable fast food fuckery) and an asshole in front of me stands there for what seems to be an hour contemplating what they’re going to order like they’re at a fucking Tuscan cafe. There’s nothing new on the menu since you’ve been there last week, cockbreath; and if there is, it probably tastes like a homeless guy’s armpits. Know what you’re going to order before stepping into the line, or face my infamous death stares for the duration of your dining experience. =D

My fantasy while standing behind one of these douchelords: