The name's Peter. From New Jersey. 23 years old. Absurdly sarcastic. Read much more in my "about me" by clicking on the link below. =) Side note: Many people are wondering why there are no "non-anon" questions on my blog. It's because I answer them privately so my blog doesn't get overwhelmed with questions. Side side note: I don't do promos. Side side side note: I don't reblog unless the post is something I really feel needs to be seen.
Me (to boss): Did you make coffee yet?
Boss: You stroll in late and expect coffee made? I'm not your personal waiter.
Boss: Decaf or regular?
Me: With a shot of espresso.
Random guy at Shoprite: Do I know you from somewhere?
Random guy at Shoprite: Are you sure? *awkward wink*
Me: I'm sure. Something wrong with your eye?
Random guy at Shoprite: I don't think so, but maybe you should take a closer look at it at my place?
Me: And maybe you should step aside and let me buy a box of Fruity Pebbles before I beat the shit out of you with a pound of overpriced bacon.
Me: *In the bathroom*
Mom: Peter, you in there? What are you doing?
Me: I'm fine tuning my diving skills by jumping off the toilet and diving into the bathtub. Would you like to come in and score me? My swim coach couldn't make it.
Mom: I should've given you away when I had the chance.
Boss: Alright. I'm leaving to play golf for the rest of the day. Don't do anything I wouldn't do!
Me: I guess working is out of the question then.
Friend: If you could give my current relationship a theme song, what would it be?
Me: "You Give Love a Bad Name."
Boss: Did you see this news headline? Look! "Man Admits to Slow Cooking Wife."
Me: Jesus Christ. What a sick fuck.
Boss: There are some sick people out there. I mean, what's the mindset? What the hell do you do while you're slow cooking your wife?!?
Me: Set the table?
Boss: *Makes ghastly noise*
Me: Ew. You sound like a dying whale.
Boss: I look like like one, too, right?
Me: I didn't say that.
Boss: So I don't look like a whale?
Me: I didn't say that.
*At grandmother's rehab center*
Old woman: You're quite a handsome young man! Is your name Tina?
Me: No. Can't say it is. But, thank you! You're quite a beautiful young girl!
Old woman: Oh, gosh. I haven't felt like a girl since 1989...
Old woman: That's the last time my husband penetrated me.
Me: You'll have to excuse me. I think I just saw a nurse go into my grandmother's room with a fire extinguisher. She might be on fire. Lovely chatting. *Powerwalks to safety.*
Me: Why is he buying you dinner? That scares me.
Friend: Why would that scare you?
Me: Because I know you'll easily take food as payment for sex.
Nurse: I'll be right back with your blanket, sweetie.
Grandma: Okay. Thanks, hun.
Me (to Grandma): Oh, my gosh. She is SO adorable. Look at me; I'm blushing. Quick, give me an illness that's easy to fake. I want to be her patient.
*Nurse Comes back in*
Grandma (to nurse): My grandson thinks you're cute.
Me: *Death Stare*
Nurse: Aww. Haha.
Me (to Grandma): If we weren't in a hospital with resuscitating equipment, I'd kill you.
Teacher: I'm just going to go around the room. Peter, would you mind sharing your religion with the class?
Me: No, not at all. I was raised as a Catholic, but now identify myself as an atheist.
Classmate (Brittany): So that means you worship Satan instead of God, right?
Me (to the class): Let's all take a moment to hold hands, bow our heads, and have a moment of silence for Brittany's brain.
Me: *Looking around the soda aisle for cases of Diet Coke*
Me: *Spots them*
Me (to girl standing in front of the cases of Diet Coke): Hi. Excuse me.
Girl: I actually have a boyfriend, soooo...
Me: *Bitchy up-and-down look.* Pardon me? I said "hi" and excused myself so I can bend down to get to the cases of Diet Coke that you were rudely standing in front of. I wasn't planning to put my face between your legs on the way back up. How conceited can you possibly be? Don't flatter yourself thinking that every male creature in existence wants to pork you, because believe me, even if you weren't a presumptuous airhead, I still wouldn't want you. Give your boyfriend my deepest sympathies.
Grandma: So you're gonna be heading back to school in two days. Are you excited?
Me: Remember how traumatized I was when I was little when that fish that I'd won at the fair committed suicide by jumping out of its bowl and into a can of cat food?
Grandma: Yeah. What does that have to do with anything?
Me: Nothing. That was just a more pleasant thought than going back to school.
Mom: Does this bun in my hair make me look stupid?
Me: Let's just say it doesn't hide it.
Receptionist at work: Peter, your in-office intercom on your desk phone isn't working, so I can't page you when you have a call. Do you want me to order you a new phone?
Me: No, Gale. I want you to order a few Dixie cups and a really long string. Let's go vintage.